femmgrangwav
09-16-2004, 08:00 PM
Why Nagging Doesn't Work
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
If you are at your wit's end because your spouse leaves the bathroom
in chaos, never cleans out the bathtub or shower, lets things slide,
throws clothes on the floor, conveniently forgets to take out the
trash, doesn't follow through with promises to do household chores,
ignores reasonable requests to pick things up, refuses to quit
smoking, watches too much television, is on the computer a tremendous
amount of time, and on, and on, and on... you may find yourself
nagging or being demanding.
Have you ever thought about what nagging is? Here are some related
terms for nagging: faultfinding, continually complaining, criticism,
catty, carping, coaxing, cynical, demanding, dunning, hairsplitting,
insistent, nit-picking, overcritical, peevish, persistent, pestering,
pettish, pressing, quibble, recurring, relentless, shrewish, slam,
swipe, unrelenting, urging, and wheedling.
Nagging can become a vicious cycle. The more you nag, the more your
mate avoids you or withdraws both emotionally and physically from
you, so the more you nag. Is this really how you want to communicate
with your spouse?
Why Nagging Doesn't Work
Even though your gripes may be valid, nagging makes your spouse
resentful.
Nagging makes others defensive.
Nagging puts you in the parent role, and your spouse in the child
role. This isn't healthy for your marriage relationship.
Nagging is disrespectful.
Nagging is often perceived as criticism, so your spouse may tune out
making what you are saying ineffective.
When people are nagged, they believe they are being attacked
personally.
Nagging can make your spouse feel inadequate.
Naggers: Negative Responses
Don't blame.
Don't demean.
Don't attack.
Don't criticize.
Avoid making your spouse feel stupid.
Don't give in to your frustration and do your spouse's chores. Your
mate needs to learn to deal with the logical consequences of being
messy.
Naggers: Positive Approaches
Share your feelings.
Stick to the issue.
Keep your statements brief so they don't turn into long lectures.
Don't make ultimatums.
Avoid using the phrases, "You always..." and "You never..."
Consider saying "would you" or "will you" rather than "could you"
or "can you". There's a subtle difference in the way the request will
be heard by your spouse.
Set a good example in picking up after yourself, putting your clothes
away or in the hamper, leaving the bathroom is good shape after your
shower or bath, eating healthy foods, exercising, etc.
Try to brainstorm solutions with your spouse.
Acknowledge your different perspectives regarding chores and
housekeeping expectations.
Show your appreciation when your spouse does put dishes in the
dishwasher, or picks up a towel, turns off the television to take a
walk with you, or when dirty clothes end up in the hamper.
See what happens if you stop nagging.
For the Spouse Being Nagged
Accept your responsibility in helping to create a home environment
that has triggered a nagging response in your spouse.
Honestly evaluate your attitude about chores, picking up after
yourself, annoying habits, and more.
Ask yourself if you have a pattern of avoidance when it comes to
chores or other issues.
If you ignore your mate's requests or refuse to even acknowledge that
you heard what your spouse has said to you, stop this behavior.
Really try to listen and to respond to your spouse.
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
If you are at your wit's end because your spouse leaves the bathroom
in chaos, never cleans out the bathtub or shower, lets things slide,
throws clothes on the floor, conveniently forgets to take out the
trash, doesn't follow through with promises to do household chores,
ignores reasonable requests to pick things up, refuses to quit
smoking, watches too much television, is on the computer a tremendous
amount of time, and on, and on, and on... you may find yourself
nagging or being demanding.
Have you ever thought about what nagging is? Here are some related
terms for nagging: faultfinding, continually complaining, criticism,
catty, carping, coaxing, cynical, demanding, dunning, hairsplitting,
insistent, nit-picking, overcritical, peevish, persistent, pestering,
pettish, pressing, quibble, recurring, relentless, shrewish, slam,
swipe, unrelenting, urging, and wheedling.
Nagging can become a vicious cycle. The more you nag, the more your
mate avoids you or withdraws both emotionally and physically from
you, so the more you nag. Is this really how you want to communicate
with your spouse?
Why Nagging Doesn't Work
Even though your gripes may be valid, nagging makes your spouse
resentful.
Nagging makes others defensive.
Nagging puts you in the parent role, and your spouse in the child
role. This isn't healthy for your marriage relationship.
Nagging is disrespectful.
Nagging is often perceived as criticism, so your spouse may tune out
making what you are saying ineffective.
When people are nagged, they believe they are being attacked
personally.
Nagging can make your spouse feel inadequate.
Naggers: Negative Responses
Don't blame.
Don't demean.
Don't attack.
Don't criticize.
Avoid making your spouse feel stupid.
Don't give in to your frustration and do your spouse's chores. Your
mate needs to learn to deal with the logical consequences of being
messy.
Naggers: Positive Approaches
Share your feelings.
Stick to the issue.
Keep your statements brief so they don't turn into long lectures.
Don't make ultimatums.
Avoid using the phrases, "You always..." and "You never..."
Consider saying "would you" or "will you" rather than "could you"
or "can you". There's a subtle difference in the way the request will
be heard by your spouse.
Set a good example in picking up after yourself, putting your clothes
away or in the hamper, leaving the bathroom is good shape after your
shower or bath, eating healthy foods, exercising, etc.
Try to brainstorm solutions with your spouse.
Acknowledge your different perspectives regarding chores and
housekeeping expectations.
Show your appreciation when your spouse does put dishes in the
dishwasher, or picks up a towel, turns off the television to take a
walk with you, or when dirty clothes end up in the hamper.
See what happens if you stop nagging.
For the Spouse Being Nagged
Accept your responsibility in helping to create a home environment
that has triggered a nagging response in your spouse.
Honestly evaluate your attitude about chores, picking up after
yourself, annoying habits, and more.
Ask yourself if you have a pattern of avoidance when it comes to
chores or other issues.
If you ignore your mate's requests or refuse to even acknowledge that
you heard what your spouse has said to you, stop this behavior.
Really try to listen and to respond to your spouse.